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My college experience so far sucks.
There have been NO parties.
it's small.
the people are ok, but there's no improv team,
I hate it here.
I belong at unc.
I used to think everything happened for a reason.
but I don't see a point to this.
Fuck it.
I hate this.
I wanna transfer.
I constantly feel out of place,
while my friends back home loveee college.
I'm angry I'm spending my time and money here.
Fuck this
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first day of college

tomorrow (today) is the first day of class.

I have intro to psychology and you're back home

blinded by your own brilliance,

I can't help but tell you,

you show me you want space by not texting me back,

My dorm room is silent most of the time.

I don't have a stereo.

it only makes the space feel more empty than it already is

smells less like home,

and more like glade plug ins,

artificially sweet,

and the plastic air makes it hard to breathe.

last night I had a nightmare I was running.

barefoot skin scraped against concrete,

subconsciously I think I was trying to fly.

looked up towards the stars,

and didn't fall.

this should have been my first tip off it was a dream,

people make fun of me because I'm clumsy.

I've fallen more times than I can remember,

thats why I avoid traveling on pitch black paths

in fear I'll let gravity get to me.

next thing I know I'm drowning in a backyard pool,

someone had been chasing me for the last 3 streets,

they were going to hurt me.

this was when I told myself to wake up

wake up

i woke up gasping

like I had really been drowning.

Maybe my lungs realize how far away we are.

I'm blindly walking down a pitch black path.

terrified of twisting my ankles

so instead I've tethered my tongue

anxiousness lines my lungs

I am lost in a tangle of awkward moments and anxiety

what if everything doesn't happen for a reason?

and everything could get fucked over by chance.

I'm supposed to be the optimistic one,

but in reality I just try not to let my natural negativity

slip past my lips

I miss the way my favorite coffee shop smelled

and the moment when I'd see will in the window,

my face would light up like the sun that was setting,

my sleep is restless because my muscles know

you're hours away,

I keep trying to remember how to breathe,

but it's hard when you feel like you're choking on

disappointment

I like to think I'll thrive in college,

I just have to keep breathing.

I have my first college class in less than 12 hours,

and you live at least 4 hours away,

I try not to text you too often,

so all my "i miss yous".

are caught in the back of my throat,

I know you don't want to hear them,

and if I texted you every time you crossed my mind,

you would get irritated

as the words lost meaning,

maybe that's why I'm having trouble 

remembering how to breathe,

your memories are lodged under my shoulder blades,

 I can't seem to get comfortable in a bed that isn't either one of ours,

I am caught in the headlights

blinded by your brilliance,

stuck with no idea what to do,

and the only thing I can say is:

"                "